The dark shadow that hangs over transgender heads: how I almost lost my fight

We live in a society that treats us not even as second, or third class citizens but as freaks of nature not even worthy of legal protections. Right now transgender people are under attack across this country. As one of the most marginalized social groups there are not a lot of people fighting for us right now. That leads many transgender people to walk a dark path in life.

Among the many hurdles we face can be discrimination and hardship in the workplace, difficulties applying for loans, housing and other legal documents, deciding which public restroom to utilize, whether or not we can play on a sports team with others who share our gender instead of forced into competition with those of the opposite sex or gender. While all of those are hard, not to mention the relentless attacks on us from the media, government agencies, public figures, celebrities and more, its no wonder so many of us turn to suicide. It’s a dark topic but many of us face it. In fact I’d venture to say nearly every single transperson deals with suicide either directly through their own contemplations or via someone they know who went through it or contemplated it.

I don’t need to bother citing statistics here, we all know the numbers. It’s bad. We’re more likely to end it when our struggles feel overwhelming.

This is where I was recently I am sad to say. Not to the point I was actually going to try anything but I was absolutely at a low enough point that it didn’t just cross my mind, I started to view it as my only way out.

What got me here?

I don’t wanna air my dirty laundry here. I will say that life has become a bit overwhelming for me in recent months. I went from being a hard-working, respected journalist in my community with a loving, supportive family and a home I owned; to an out-of-work “former” journalist living on a persons couch I had met barely 9 months ago, largely ostracized from said so-called family. Now not everything has been bad but let’s face it every day I have been reminded what I have been through. I am told by my adopted sister how strong I am and how much I have been through. My therapist who calls me a survivor. Even my close friends who reach out to me often pull back once they too become exhausted at trying to help me find some light. It’s getting harder to stay positive. It’s getting harder to keep up the fight.

Did I actually attempt to take my life Saturday? No. But I cam as close to it as I have in years. In fact I was close enough not only did I consider it, I was looking for ways to pull it off. Fortunately my loved ones, and not my blood relatives, reached out and helped talk me through my crisis.

But the damage has been done. I already left a perfectly good, albeit difficult, job. I already disappointed my sister who I have leaned on heavily these past few months. I have already blown out my self esteem not only as I deal with everything weighing me down but also the fact I was so weak, so low, so hurt I was considering it, the fact I got as close as I did, it made it all worse. I started to feel like a failure. A disappointment. A lost cause.

These feelings put me in a downward spiral I will admit I have yet to recover from. I am taking steps to get better. I am working with people close to me to step back from things I can no longer keep up and looking forward to things that I hope will bring me some joy in the near future.

The breaking point was a combination of going three days without taking my medications, everything finally weighing me down too much, I was tired, had a fight with someone I love and respect more than anyone on this planet and I sank. I hit rock bottom. Once I rolled over onto my back after falling flat on my ass metaphorically, I turned to drinking. I went to a dark place because as a transgender person that darkness is always there. That shadow is always looming over my head. The constant barrage of people telling me or others like me I am a freak or worse it gets to me. The shitty things some people in my family have done or said to or about me. It disgusts me. The way my own church turned on me. It’s been too much.

Fortunately I do have people who love me and care about me. That does make me feel somewhat better. But at the end of the day the reality remains, I lost my hope for a moment and came that close to throwing in the towel. The last time I was that close to ending it all was after was expelled from university.

I have no advice. I have no direction. I don’t know what the path to recovery looks like. I am trying to get back on my feet. I am trying to find enough light to shine through the shadow and brighten my days. I am trying to feel less beaten down.

As of the time of this writing I am not back yet. I don’t know how long it will be or what it will take. I know that it’s not gotten worse but it hasn’t improved enough for me to say I am in the clear. I doubt I will take my own life. I have too much to look forward to and I might still have some fight left in me. But I am probably going to slow down some, find ways to take care of myself outside Twitter and Facebook. Right now I am even scaling back my involvement in projects I am involved in, more on that to come.

I have cried so many tears I am damn near dehydrated. The tears won’t stop and that makes my heartache. Knowing people care enough to reach out and offer support helps, but right now even as grateful as I am for all of that, I need to fight this on my own in my own way. I have people I can lean on but I also have to figure things out myself. And the clock is ticking. I don’t know where to turn to find my inner strength right now. I have mustered enough energy to look forward to Pride this weekend and my nephews wedding next weekend. I am hopeful those will recharge my heart and give me some renewed joy. In the meantime please know I am not ignoring people intentionally I just need to take a break.

The Conjuring, Disney Princess dolls, Trading Card woes? Also PRIDE MONTH!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-kpgfy-1053de6

In this exciting episode, yes because I did something I’ve never done before, I recorded the podcast WHILE doing a livestream! Oh hell yeah this was cool. 

Alright what’s on the agenda? Well I talk about my journey changing my name and the hell that’s put me through for Pride Month.

I talk about why I need to get some Disney Princess dolls in my collection and where I’d like to start. 

I discuss the scariest fucking movie I’ve seen in ages, The Conjuring, and I also might have a couple surprises up my sleeve! Check it out I dare you! No I Double Dog Dare you~

Transposed 20-Double the fun of Episode ten plus Tananda stops by! REUPLOAD

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-mqzdc-1053b10

The ladies invited a very special guest onto episode 20 to discuss a super important topic. All the way from the Transgressive Podcast, found here: https://transgressive.buzzsprout.com/ , Tananda transitioned at a much earlier time. She shares her story plus talks openly with the ladies about all the nasty bills and vile laws going around the country targeting transgender people right now. Be sure to give this one a listen, plus leave us a comment, like the episode and please share it with your friends, all that helps the show grow. 

What about the weekly top five? Oh well it’s something special so you have to listen to find out! Trust us this is one you don’t wanna miss!

Follow Tanada on Twitter @Tananda_D.

 

 

 

 

Transposed 20-Double the fun of Episode ten plus Tananda stops by!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-48afk-1050720

The ladies invited a very special guest onto episode 20 to discuss a super important topic. All the way from the Transgressive Podcast, found here: https://transgressive.buzzsprout.com/ , Tananda transitioned at a much earlier time. She shares her story plus talks openly with the ladies about all the nasty bills and vile laws going around the country targeting transgender people right now. Be sure to give this one a listen, plus leave us a comment, like the episode and please share it with your friends, all that helps the show grow. 

What about the weekly top five? Oh well it’s something special so you have to listen to find out! Trust us this is one you don’t wanna miss!

Follow Tanada on Twitter @Tananda_D.

 

 

 

 

How I lost my virginity to a broom stick

It’s fucking Pride month and you know what that means? It means there are LGBTQ+ people young and old about to start making themselves visible in ways we don’t do year round. Some of us have the distinct pleasure, if you can call it that, of living our authentic lives. At the same time there are others in the community who don’t have that luxury. Whether you see Pride as a protest, a celebration or a mixture of both, there is one thing we can ALL agree on and it’s about being more visible. That is why this year I am going to commit to writing very deeply personal blogs digging into my own sexuality. My sister Robin will tell you I am kinda repressed in a lot of ways, sexually speaking. So you know this is not easy for me to share. But fuck it, this has to be done, it has to be shared.

When I say I am a virgin that is technically true in the purest sense. Meaning I have never had traditional sexual intercourse with another human being, this includes penetrative and non penetrative forms of genital exposure. But that doesn’t mean I have never experienced an orgasm. Nor does it mean I have never had a sexual experience with another human being.

I won’t share the details but I have had and have given hand jobs. I have given oral sex to a former partner at least once. And yes I have done the nasty all by my lonesome oh so many times. Yes that is all true. I have also had a lot of anal penetration over the years. No, sadly, not with a partner. But that doesn’t completely diminish my experiences.

I won’t divulge the first time I inserted an object into my anus with the intention of seeing how it felt. I will say it was around the same time I started questioning my gender identity so if you know anything about me at all that should give you some clues. I will also not be sharing every, well, thing, I have tried. That is both private and well frankly not something I care to share at this time.

I will describe my first orgasm though, and I will be honest it did not involve my genitals.

I was 12 years old. I hadn’t even discovered my junk could get hard yet let alone learned what comes next. I had already explored my anal cavity with various “toys” and things in an attempt to see what felt good. Spoiler alert it pretty much all did. At 12 years old, before I had my first ejaculatory emission I found myself in a literal closet, in my bedroom door closed, locked, front door to the house locked, radio up, TV on in my bedroom to drown out the noise. I took a screwdriver handle and went to town. It didn’t take long before I found the sweet spot and holy fucking shit that was all it took. I never told anyone this but I basically tried everything from there discovering what I liked, what I didn’t and figuring out what my limits were. That first time was, masturbatory for sure but it was also, well messy so it was short experience.

I spent the next few years, yes years, basically finding anything I could that would fit comfortably in me that I could keep there for a casual reminder I was different than everyone else. I am not going to lie here I kept pencils, pens, markers and other similar items handy just in case. I was always wearing women’s or girls panties so it was just another thing I had to hide.

When I say I “lost my virginity” to a broomstick that is not entirely accurate. The headline is eye catching but it’s not far from the truth. I literally got screwed by a screwdriver on more than one occasion. By the time I was 15 I had already begun the horror that was teenage “male” puberty so I had discovered another form of masturbating that included the use of said genitals. Now by this time I had also done some heavy petting with at least two girls so I was still figuring out what I liked.

It was right after I turned 16. I was staying home from school after I had dropped out. I was running around the house in a swimming suit I “borrowed” and found myself blasting “Work Baby Work” by the Quad City DJ’s. The song certainly turned me on in a weird way no other song had before. I had played with hair brushes, and other similar items plenty of times up to that point, But today was different. This day I took a broom handle into the bathroom, filled the tub with warm water and bubbles, slid things into place and Holy. Fucking. Shit. I know I had an orgasm because I shook violently. I experienced a sensation I had never felt before. After I exhausted myself from the most pleasurable penetration I have ever experienced I grabbed the little guy, finished the deed and drained the tub. I cleaned myself off, put the items I borrowed away, returning the broom to it’s designated place. Then I went to my bedroom and cried. Then prayed. I begged God to forgive me for sinning. I wasn’t sure what I had done that was a sin, I just knew it felt so damn good it had to be a sin. It was only the first, far, far from the last.

I never told anyone this but yes I would make excuses to stay home, alone, as often as I could. Not just to spend as much girl time as I could, ya know as I explored my femininity. But I also couldn’t wait to get under a bed, in a closet or even into a bathtub to try again. I quickly learned I had far more greater sexual experiences when anal was either involved, or the main focus of my explorations.

I write this, now, because Pride Month is all about telling the world people like me exist and our sexual desires might be different from theirs, they are just as valid and just as important to us as theirs are to them. I don’t know if I would enjoy being penetrated by an actual penis attached to a man, but I do know I have at least learned could accommodate one should that situation arise. I also know, from experience, that I can fit an anatomically accurate facsimile too. I share this because I don’t believe I am a pervert or a sinner for having these feelings or enjoying a sexual experience that differs from the hetero norm. I also share this because fuck it, Pride is all about pushing boundaries and what better way to do that then talking about gay sex, even if it’s masturbatory in nature. I say rub, suck, jab or fuck whatever it is that gets you where you need to go. At the end of the day be you. Stay Cool and Happy Pride~

Forgotten underrated 80s movies, why digital movie collecting sucks, Ghostbusters toys and more!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-mubuz-1049423

In this episode I take a look at 10 forgotten underrated 80s movies nobody ever talks about.

I also take a look at DVD collecting and contemplate why digital collecting isn’t taking off like streaming is. 

Oh and NEW TOYS including a very special Ghostbuster figure! This was a fun episode I hope you enjoy~

Transphobes beware, why I don’t tuck, deal with it

I have been seeing a lot of debates around the internet among queer people about whether or not kink should be allowed at Pride. The arguments center on Pride being a celebration that should be all inclusive for children thus keeping it “family friendly.” The other side, the pro kink side, argue Pride is not a celebration it is a protest. I have been going over this entire argument in my mind for the past few weeks ever since I learned of it.

I decided I am ready to chime in. I have been battling gender dysphoria for my entire life. I started transitioning one year ago because I couldn’t stomach living a lie any longer. I have always been a non conformist. That was partly how I covered up being trans, I liked to break stereotypes and ignore societal norms wherever I could. But somewhere along the way I found myself blending in to navigate those turbulent waters. That is, until I realized that blending in was killing me and I needed to shift gears before I ran out of energy to hold on.

For me gender dysphoria means I was born in the wrong body. Plain and simple. So the fact I am transgender does mean I lean into feminine stereotypes as a way to stave off that dysphoria. It’s why I wear makeup. To fit in with the other females but also to look pretty. I want to be admired. It’s one of the female traits I admire. But there is a part of me, the feminist woman I am trying to become, that wants to say you don’t have to live up to stereotypes. You can be trans and still wear pants, grow a beard or even forgo HRT. There is no rule book that says this is how you trans.

So when I started thinking about tucking in relation to Pride and my own gender expression and developing sexuality I came to a realization that I don’t do it for one reason. It’s makes me uncomfortable to do so. Yes I would kill to have bottom surgery and get the vagina my brain keeps telling me I need. But as long as I have the thing that shall remain unnamed, I am going to make do.

At first it wasn’t about protest or nonconformity for me. I never tuck. I refuse. It’s not comfortable and it makes me feel weird. I do, sometimes, wear gaff but that’s a different story. As I started listening to the discussions online between older queer people and the younger generation I started to see argument for and against bulge popping up. One trans person said they celebrate girl bulge because it demonstrates strength. Another responded they tuck out of fear of being clocked and the repercussions that go along with it. Another said it’s to stave off their dysphoria. I see all thee of those points as valid.

Here is why I wanted to chime in. Even before I knew who I was into sexually I knew two things about the male sex organ from an early age. I hated having one but I also love them on other people. This was a part of my discovery I tried to burry deep down. I felt if I was attracted to penis, or penile humans, it meant I was gay. Now I already determined I was gay, or a lesbian anyways, when I discovered I am also into vaginas and identify as a female. This put me in a strange place where I felt either way I went would be a betrayal to the real me.

Bulge for me is empowering to those who show it. I do find trans woman who show their bulge sexy, not gonna lie. That’s not why I don’t tuck though, because I want to be perceived as female. But I don’t want to be objectified. I want to be treated like a woman worth treating like a woman because of who I am, not because of my genitals. I mean damn if you’re only nice to the people you think about fucking you’re not a decent human being. That’s actually kinda self serving in fact.

I don’t want to go to the beach with my bulge showing. But I do want to wear a bikini to the beach despite not having the physical shape most women consider bikini bod. For me it is about tapping into my femininity and feminism. I want to push the boundaries of queerness in public. Normalize those who are different so people go to the beach, or Pride, can just be seen as people out having a good time, and nobody will be worried about which ones they can imagine naked while they jerk off when nobody is looking.

For me women, men and children should be free to wear whatever they want in public and not have to worry about who is looking. After all if you can’t see a person in public showing skin because you’re afraid it’ll get you off, that’s your problem not ours. To that end I say bring on the kink. Bring on the guy bulge, assless chaps and whatever else makes queer people comfortable, cishet people uncomfortable and helps normalize queerness in all its manifestations.

Transposed 19- Importance of Trans Twitter

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-gfjw7-1046f19

In this lighter episode the girls talk about their personal experiences with trans Twitter. 

Robin asks the questions what does it mean to us. In relation to this the girls recall recent Twitter threads they each participated in. 

And once again this week’s top five was chosen by the listeners. The topic is plants. In a surprise twist, Robin is the one to go off the rails leaving Stephanie to hold down the fort.