Taking the website in a new direction, sort of

When I set out to create this website I had a very loose idea of what I wanted to do with it. Initially it was partly a blog where I could process the things I discovered in life. Often times writing about my personal habits, milestones etc. It was also partly an avenue for me to hone my writing skills as I navigated the muddy waters of college and sailed into the corporate world of creative writing as a profession. It also served partly as a site for me to share my memories and thoughts on topics that I enjoyed ranging from comic books to video games, toys, horror movies as more. At no point in that did I ever lock it down into a single format, theme or topic. In fact the reason I settled on my tagline being Where Chaos Resides is simply for the fact I never wanted to tie myself down.

Much like my own life this place is ever changing. I have moved countless times in my lifetime. I have had more jobs than I can even remember. I have had very few things I can consider to be stable in my world. Even my hobbies and interests are flexible as I found myself going from model trains, to programming computers and designing video games to painting, reading and collecting comic books, then toys and video games to collecting and obsessing over old movies and TV shows. The truth is I float through life ever seeking something new to  hold my attention for a time before I move on to the next experience.

There is an old saying that I use as kind of a springboard. It refers to the jack of all trades yet master of none. In a way that describes me. But I want to take it a step further. You see while I do admittedly bounce from one fleeting interest to the next I do have a few key elements that provide a common thread throughout it all.

That is where I want to take this website moving forward. To put it simply my goal is to write about whatever I feel like writing about. I don’t do this for you, the reader. I don’t do this for the audience. I do this for one person. Me. I do it for me. If I  have readers then great! Welcome aboard. If not that’s fine you probably weren’t ready for my brand of crazy anyways.

Despite constantly migrating from one format to the next while exploring several different topics over the years one thing has remained the same. I have held to a standard of editorial ethics that mandates I refrain from using profane or vulgar language in my writing. This has been a rule I have taken some liberties with as-needed on a case-by-case basis. Still, I have largely held to it.

So here is the sum of the changes I will be making to the site going forward. The first change was removing the admin account and transferring articles written under that banner to my new name. This has allowed me to further promote my transformation into the woman I am becoming.

The second change I am making is throwing caution to the wind, so to speak. What I mean by that is I am going to break the mold and write articles, posts, and other types of content that better reflects my range of moods. Some days I will write cohesive articles sticking to a strict editorial guidelines that will develop as I sharpen my skills. But I will also write incoherent gibberish legible only to me and my warped mind. This may manifest in many forms.

Third, and this is fucking serious! I am dropping the self-imposed language filter and proceeded forward with the same usage of fucks, shits and damns I use in my regular language, including my podcasts and YouTube videos where I have never held to the same filter. I realize this is only a slight departure from the norm but it is something that I am expecting will provide me with the flexibility to be more real.

Fourth, I am dropping the pretext. This is *MY* fucking website. I make the damn rules. In other words I will write about whatever the hell I damn well please. I have held to this to some extent while holding back in some ways. Not anymore. The new rule is simple. If I have a thought and I wish to express it or flesh it out, this is where I will be doing that moving forward.

This does not mean I won’t occasionally write a meaningful essay on Nintendo or some review of a new horror movie I just witnessed. What it does mean is I will broaden my range of writing styles while I tighten my focus to shave off the things I care little for. Instead I will just write whatever the fuck comes to my mind and not give a shit what people think. Period. Stay cool.

Giving poetry an honest try: Finding my emotional voice

At no point in time have I more regret for not completing college than I do now as I embark on the journey to discover my poetic voice.

The reason I say that is because while I was in college I studied creative writing, news writing, technical writing and basic English classes, among others. But I never got to take that poetry class I coveted from the moment I selected Journalism as my major.

I don’t need to spend any time recounting the events that led to my leaving college before I was ready. Rather I will step aside that and focus on my newfound appreciation for poetry as I begin to find my emotional voice.

Not long ago I asked an online group for advice on how to write poetry. I received a range of answers ranging from the very helpful to the obvious. Still the one piece of advice every poet had that stood out was writing from the heart.

Until recently my heart was filled with hate, anxiety and anger. These are not emotions that serve the kind of poetic voice I was hoping to develop. I wasn’t entirely hopeless, but I was still living a lie as I remained in denial of my true self.

Like so many other aspects of my life that have begun to chance since I started transitioning so too as my outlook on life. I’ve started to feel a broader range of emotions than ever before. Sometimes I sit alone in my house on my couch and cry. I don’t even feel bad and it’s not even a sad crying, just tears.

I have also noticed my moods beginning to shift. This has been something I was warned would happened but nonetheless I failed to realize the true extent to which it would affect me.

I am not say for a second only women have the range of emotions to write good poetry. Far from it. See I was already a hot mess so to speak because my emotions ruled me. But the strongest feelings I had came from my deep rooted self loathing as I refused to accept reality. It took me a while to get past that even once the transition began.

Right now my interest in writing poetry stems from a new found emotion I have never dealt with before. I wrote about it here.

As my range of emotions expands so too does my interest in expressing those emotions. Of course as my heart flutters for the one who ignores me I will concentrate on the feelings that spawn from that agony. But I am absolutely certain there will be other experiences that can ignite the flames of my creativity.

I can say that these newfound feelings are absolutely pumping the creative juices through my brain. As much as the pain that pumps into my heart through my veins that is.

I am fairly certain there will come a time not too far from now where the subject of my attempts at poetry expand beyond the here and now. In fact I am already planning on taking a notepad to some of my favorite peaceful places to see what imagery comes to mind.

Right now my poetry skills are most decidedly best described as amateurish. For the time being I am a student of the craft fumbling around in the dark with no teacher to guide my way. I suspect I might someday bring myself to either purchase a book of poems to get some examples at the very least. There may come a time when I enroll in an actual academic course to fully explore the medium.

Now truth be told it’s not like I am completely blind in this matter with no prior experience. Before I settled into news writing as a career I had lived a life as a musical entertainer. I previously wrote several songs, three full-length CD’s worth in fact. Each song written can be considered a poem of sorts in its own way. That being said even I realize that I was not any good at songwriting.

I can’t pretend that I am going to start writing poetry and suddenly become the world’s greatest poet. Not by a long shot. What I can do, however, is accept the changes in my heart that have opened me to new experiences. This will undoubtedly translate into providing me with new ways to express myself. Hopefully in a manner which is less aggressive than that which I am most well-known. In the meantime, stay cool.

The changing heart beats with the tides of time

I remember my first crush. Her name was Rachel Penn. I was in the first grade. She had strawberry blonde hair and the cutest freckles. Unfortunately I don’t remember much else beyond that as my other memories of her have been lost to time.

You often hear people say it’s better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all. That’s up there was other platitudes like heart knows what the heart wants or even follow your heart. None of those are incredibly helpful. Especially when you’re dealing with a situation involving a person who is undergoing a metamorphosis.

Before I started transitioning I did extensive research and I talked to other people online who went through what I was about to go through. I wanted to know what other people who took this journey experienced. Even though everyone told something different and they all basically said your results will vary , I still find myself being caught off guard by the changes I’m feeling.

I knew once I started hormones I was going to feel things I’ve never felt before. I can honestly say I’ve cried more tears in the four months that I’ve been on estrogen then I have in the 37 years of my life prior to that milestone. I feel things I’ve never felt before some good and some not as good.

I’ve always questioned my gender identity knowing that I never felt comfortable with the stereotypes. But I never really stopped to question my sexuality. When I was 11 years old tell myself I was a girl but I also said I was a lesbian because I was attracted to girls, or so I thought.

I do remember the first time thinking a boy was cute. It was that same first grade class his name was Marvin Wisehopple. At the time he was probably one of my best friends. His parents were friends with my parents. His mom babysat me and my sisters from time to time while my mom babysat him and his sisters also from time to time. I remember the day he came into class wearing glasses and remember being smitten. I quickly buried those feelings. It wouldn’t be until I was a teenager watching boy meets World before I would reconsider my feelings on male to male relationships.

Although I never had any Hang-Ups about lesbians or even bisexual females I still had an aversion to the idea being gay or the very least attracted to boys, perhaps bisexual.

A lot of things have changed since I started taking hormones. Some of them are physical breast development and softening of my skin which I am very appreciative of I’m grateful for.

Something happened the other day that changed everything I’ve ever thought or felt. I found myself considering not only the possibility maybe falling for a guy. But I actually found myself attracted to a specific person, a male friend I would have never considered a potential romantic partner. Well, I now find myself going Beyond curiosity. I find myself going Beyond even considering the possibility. I found myself smack dab in the middle of a crush, an infatuation in other words I began feeling romantic attraction to this person, this man.

If I’m being completely honest it’s not like I haven’t explored certain feelings through shall we say sexual fantasies. There’s a difference between arousal and a romantic attraction. The two are not interchangeable but they’re also not entirely disconnected.

I find myself yet again at a crossroad on a path I cannot follow. A path I cannot Traverse lightly. Because I find myself caught in the middle of wanting to consider the possibility of a romantic relationship with him. But, whatever happens I absolutely do not wish to jeopardize the friendship. Because I’d rather have him in my life as a friend then not at all. I’ve been here before developing very strong feelings for someone who doesn’t return them my way.

Whatever happens I want to tell him how I feel. How much she means to me as a friend. And let him know that I would never do anything to damage the friendship we have. But let him know if he ever decides to risk it seeking something better, closer even more real; I feel like I want to give him the chance to make that decision himself. Tell him how I feel. Let him make up his own mind on how to move forward if at all.