Self defeating struggle of honesty

A few weeks ago I decided to throw caution to the wind and lay everything out on the table. My motivation for doing this was to clear the air. There is something therapeutic about getting things off your chest. I decided it was high time I did just that.

The more I contemplate the actual repercussions of my declaration the more I realize I am my own biggest obstacle for finding my soulmate, if there is such a thing.

I’ve gone back and forth from just narrowing it down to single, female and going out to find the first person who agrees to spend time with me. But then I figure I deserve better. I’ve worked hard at becoming a decent human being I think I owe it to myself to find someone who can appreciate my strengths and help me overcome my weaknesses.

The biggest obstacle standing in my way is my own mental block. It took me a long time to define the feminine aspirations I was hiding. Coming to terms with that helped me realize I was doing two things in my mind preventing me from seeking a proper companion. The first was the way I idolized women to a fault. I had to decide if I was genuinely transgendered or just obsessed with females to the point my curiosity delved into the weird and unexplainable. I decided it was mostly my feeling left out that pushed me into desiring to be more like my sisters and their friends. It took a lot of work for me to realize I did the damage to myself all those years ago when I forced myself into isolation.

The second thing I was doing was exploring female sexuality in a way to discover my own curiosity. As I was trying to decide if I wanted to consider HRT and eventual transitioning to female I began exploring the female form a little too much. I suppose despite my own curiosity for what I believed where fairly benign purposes, might have been too creepy for some women.

This brings me back to my current situation. One of the reasons I needed to define my terms as to know where I stand in my mind. A part of me knew if I ever got into a committed relationship with a woman she was eventually going to discover things that might push her away.

I thought if I could remove the barrier in my mind that makes me afraid to talk to women, if I could see them as people equal to men and not creatures to be admired, superior to the inferior creatures I perceived men to be, I would be able to bring myself to the point I could talk to them. Now I have this weird burden of having to explain how despite my complicated upbringing involving my own desires, I am still a man who has a very strong desire to find a female companion. Specifically, a friend, a soul mate I can share my life with. An intellectual and emotional equal not a trophy. What kind of competition would I qualify to claim a trophy anyways?

The trick is having that awkward conversation about how I explored the idea of being trans before I decided what I wanted out of life. The problem is finding someone who will understand that without questioning everything else. I guess that falls under the category of building trust. Honesty and openness should go a long way towards that goal.

In a way it was an attempt at learning how to discover how to converse with women. I can say with good confidence I never learned how to hold a conversation with other men. Any attempt I make quickly turns into an argument one way or another. It’s not like I don’t desire to be normal and make friends. Not defining what normal is but I mean, you know learning how to make friends would be nice. In the meantime I suppose I will spend time with my new cat as I try to put this life of mine into perspective.