Discovering my place in the world

These last two years have been the most complicated time in my entire life. I have spent a tremendous amount of my life trying to figure out who I was. What I was. Where I fit in. Two years ago I started coming to terms with things I had kept hidden for most of my life. Things I was either afraid of, or ashamed to admit. That is no longer the case. I don’t have to talk about things that are personal, things that are nobody’s business, but I want to get things off my chest, as they say set the record straight.

When I was 11 years old I discovered I had an inclination to explore the taboo world of cross-dressing. At first I considered the implications. Does this make me gay? Well I was attracted to females so I thought if it did I must be a lesbian. I continued to struggle.

I had a friend who was a cross-dresser turned transwoman who eventually transitioned fully. After I discovered the internet I began exploring other things. Seeking different perspectives and opinions. I never how to come to terms with my confusing sexual identity with my strong Christian faith. It was a struggle I had to discover for my self. It took years of agonizing over this one fact, my personal relationship with the Lord is, in fact, between me and God. Once I came to terms with I didn’t need to let people run my life. I know who I am now. I know what I am now. I am a Christian. I am a gender queer person with masculine and feminine tendencies and I am still a Christian. I am not homosexual, not in the strictest sense. At least I don’t know fully since I do question my own gender identity obviously this causes some confusion in the rest.

But, I determined it is my life to struggle with. I am the one who has to make the decisions. I am the one who has to decide who to let in, and who to cut out, of my life. I have decided that my life is my business. Of course I have to reconcile my choices with my beliefs but again, that’s for me to decide. God will judge me and I am comfortable with my relationship with him. I am comfortable in my unwavering faith.

Now as for the rest. Here is my stance. I am not going to undergo surgery or transition to becoming a woman. For a number of reasons I don’t want to discuss here, I don’t need to go through with that. I don’t want to be a drag queen in public either. You might be wondering if I am going to basically keep it, well to myself in private why bother coming clean? Well every individual who harbors these out of the ordinary feelings has to find their own voice. Every person’s struggle is personal. Does this mean I am “coming out of the closet” well if that term helps you understand what I am saying sure why not. Does it mean I am gay, trans, or gender fluid? Well again whatever helps you sleep at night.

No, what I want to make sure is this, I am who I am and I don’t care what other people think. I don’t want to hide anymore. As far as why I wrote this. I had to. I needed to make sure I set the record straight. I am not entirely gay nor am I completely straight. I am not entirely trans nor am I entirely gender fluid but I am not going to fit into a box. That is all.

There is another person living inside my mind, heart and soul. Her name is Stephanie Bri. I don’t give her a voice as often as she would like. But I have come to accept she isn’t a part of me, or rather a separate part of me. She is me. We are one. One person, one mind, with one goal. You will likely hear more from Stephanie in the future. At the very least I can finally admit she is real and I am okay with that.