Why drinking coffee was such a big change for me: How coffee is fueling my desire for motherhood

If I told you that as a trans woman I also find myself a non-conformist you probably wouldn’t be very shocked. I mean after all being trans by its very nature goes against well what some people would argue is nature. Of course those people are small-minded.

One of the things that I resisted for so long purely on a cultural level and then I wouldn’t do it because it was the thing to do was drink coffee. Now that’s not to say I wouldn’t order a cup at Starbucks if I ever took a girl on a date because asking a girl to coffee is the standard go to American date for some reason. Well the other standard I guess first date is buy her a drink at the bar but I was never much of a bar person.

What are the other reasons why I avoided drinking coffee was because it was gross I never had a cup of coffee that I thought tasted good. Of course that changed when I went to work for a newspaper where there were coffee snobs who insisted on having good, good quality coffee I should say. This gave me the opportunity to actually taste a cup of coffee that wasn’t horrible. I want to go back to the whole buying a girl coffee at Starbucks thing well since I never liked coffee I never really explored my options and would always let the other girl order first and then order whatever she ordered. It wasn’t a move or anything it was just I had no idea what coffee was good.

It goes a little deeper than that though. My whole resistance to coffee as a form of protest started in my childhood. My parents are obsessed with it. They would each drink a pot of coffee every morning before they even woke up or I guess before they could do anything after waking up. I never wanted to be like that I always wanted to be someone who could just open their eyes and get out of bed fresh and ready to go and I have been that way most of my life. So a part of it for me was just not wanting to be like my parents for the sake of being different and the more my parents told me oh when you grow up you’ll drink coffee the more I resisted especially into my 30s when I was becoming my own person.

I also found there was another reason why I resisted coffee so long. In a way it was kind of political. I intentionally avoided tea because it was supposedly patriotic to do so you know Americans drink coffee we don’t drink tea but I also avoided coffee for that same reason I didn’t want to be drinking a patriotic drink either. So for me it was don’t drink the Patriotic tea that would identify one as British and don’t drink the Patriotic coffee because I didn’t want to make any political statements. I guess that in itself could have been construed as a political statement as in a form of resistance or even protest in some ways although I’m not sure if that was a conscious decision.

But one of the most obvious in probably glaring reasons why I didn’t like to drink coffee and why I insisted on drinking soda instead for my caffeine intake was purely childish. And I don’t mean childish in the sense that I was being stubborn. I meant more in the sense that I didn’t want to grow up I wanted to stay childlike pretty much forever that was my goal. That’s why I stay stuck in my childhood I play with and collect toys from my past I read comic books from the 80s and I mostly watch movies from that time period. And I watch cartoons from time to time and not anime like the so-called grown up kids do or the cool kids whatever but no I insisted on staying in the same mindset and experiences I had as a kid I intentionally chose to not grow up as much as possible.

So why did I decide to buy a coffee maker and start drinking the stuff semi-regularly? Especially now that I’m more cynical about American patriotism than I was before and most importantly as I become a visible member of the trans community I become more involved in more outspoken I also become more against the social norms. Well there’s a simple reason. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago I made the decision that I want to adopt a child. I knew I was going to have to make changes in my life to make that become a reality. I also knew I was going to have to make some changes in my life that convinced me I was ready to move forward becoming an adult to become a responsible parent so that I could take on a child and be her mother. And that’s when I decided that I wanted to buy a coffee maker not just because it was the grown-up thing to do it was a symbol for me.

That symbol has what has been driving me this whole time these last few weeks. It’s the reason why I insisted on spending money on exercise equipment and actually opening it up and forcing myself to use it. It’s the same reason why I sold all of my video games. It’s the same reason why I’ve stuck with my new diet this past week and I’ve made changes in my shopping habits to promote that new diet. It’s the reason why I reached out to all of my contacts to help me piece together a demo reel so I could begin applying for news reporter jobs as I reached Beyond my previous experiences.

I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. And that desire to hold my baby in my arms and to coddle her to love her to protect her and raised her and mother her that’s my only motivation right now and I’ll do anything I have to do everything I have to do to make that a reality. The real reason why I bought a coffee pot is to that end and it’s not just symbolic. I want to stop drinking soda I want to wean myself off of it and in order to do that I’m going to need coffee provide my body with the caffeine I’m going to need to move forward. And so everything I do every decision I make every move I make from now until the day I have my child in my life I will do everything towards that end. Because I assure you God willing I’m going to be a mother. And nothing is going to stand in my way. Mama bird has been woken and she’s fierce.

“I’m queer and I’m here” but what does that mean?

As a writer and a journalist I’m well aware of the fact that words have meaning and can be very powerful. Queer as one of those words that has significant power but its meaning is more complex than its surface understanding.

I don’t think anyone can blog about being a member of the lgbtqia plus community without getting into a discussion on the words that describe us. And there’s no word that is more divisive or confusing as queer at least in my experience.

I know when I tell somebody I’m trans that comes up pictures that in their mind they see a man pretending to be a woman who is very feminine and they don’t see a difference between that person and a feminine homosexual man who sometimes dresses like a girl or even a heterosexual or homosexual drag queen or crossdresser. I do have male genitals the terminology we use is assigned male at Birth but I’m not a particular fan of that myself I’m just trying it on but trans fits my identity because it’s how I feel and in my mind how I understand that word works for me and when I say I hope it conveys to others how I feel.

When I hear words gay or lesbian or bi as somebody in the community who has interacted with others I have a clear understanding what those words mean to me and when I believe they mean to other people so those have clear unambiguous definitions. Queer is far more complex and I think that makes it more complicated to wrap your head around.

I’m a child of the 80s I grew up in the 90s at a time when the queer community was just starting to be visible in society and were undergoing the early stages of the process of reclaiming the word for themselves. At the time I was an outsider looking in I knew I was different I knew I was weird and I couldn’t identify with weird I could identify with strange or freak I preferred the word freak myself as a descriptor because I knew it meant I’m not the same as everybody else but I shied away from where we are because it felt politically charged and it felt like it had its gay meaning or a gay leaning meaning and I didn’t identify as gay not at any point in my life did I ever think I was gay outside of that Moment of clarity when I decided I was a female in my mind and was attracted to females I decided I was lesbian but there was a complication I have a penis and so I felt like I couldn’t be a true lesbian as before I had an understanding trans’ or even transbian as a concept.

My first encounter with the word as a label that wasn’t a slur is the song queer by the band garbage. Now I’ve always told people garbage is my favorite band and when I was a teenager there was absolute truth to that their songs spoke to me in a way that nobody else’s music did or even could. But that was the very first song of theirs that I discovered and it was the song that made me attracted to the band. Nas I bought their CDs and discovered more of their music I fell further and deeper in love with them.

A few years later I heard the term but you read in the headline, we are queer and we are here used together as sort of a slogan in a way. I heard it in an episode of a TV sitcom called Everybody Loves Raymond wear the main character’s brother what’s going through a breakup with his girlfriend and the parents were questioning if he was gay. Having already adopted the term for myself in my own mind because of the song in my connection to it I had already accepted that to me it was a synonym of freak or weirdo or geek or nerd or any other label that I wore because I was tired of letting people call me those words so I started taking them on myself I saw this at something my black friends did with the popularizing of a certain word used in gangster rap music and so I followed their lead so to speak.

I’m at an age where I’m old enough to remember it as a prevalent slur and having that lobbed at me in that meaning in that context by people who it intended to hurt me. But I’ve also young enough to have seen it start to become used as an inclusive term.

As somebody who took a course of linguistics in college and has made a living writing words for other people any opportunity I get to examine an individual word or concept give me giddy feelings in my stomach I’m a total word nerd. And even now as I write this my understanding of the word itself is becoming more clear in my mind. For me personally I wear it as a badge because it says to me I’m different but I’m a part of something that is inclusive yet you have to be on the inside to fully understand.

When I’m writing I don’t mind using the rainbow acronyms because I want to be as inclusive as possible and respectful of others. But in spoken language especially in casual conversation I’ll just use Queer as shorthand partially because it’s easier but also because I was defining myself with that word when it was just becoming acceptable and my understanding of it is it makes more sense to me.

So what the word means to me is basically it operates as shorthand for non-binary non hetero non breeder if you will and so to me it’s anyone that’s outside of the so-called Norm. Now I noticed there are different variations of the acronyms the most common one is lgbt followed by lgbtq and I noticed that while there are some groups that leave out the T there are more who leave out the Q and that makes me wonder what their feelings are towards it.

The reason why I prefer it is because I’m used to it and it to me it fits. I consider myself a transgender female bisexual queer woman but that’s a very long way of describing how I feel. I’m trans but I find myself attracted sexually to females primarily but I also find myself romantically attracted to males and I will say curious about male sexuality but I’m not attracted in any way to masculinity which is kind of complicated.

Even as I become more public and more open about how I feel and who I am my understanding of the word is changing and my acceptance of the term is adapting and evolving as language does. It’s just like any other word that’s been reclaimed by a marginalized community if you call a woman a bitch and you’re not one of her bitches she may be inclined to claw your eyes out justifiably. It’s just like fag or faggot which I believe is more of a derogatory term targeted exclusively at gay men. So whereas I feel comfortable myself with the term queer I don’t want people who aren’t in the community calling me that I’d prefer you just stick to trans. I completely reject fag and all of its variants because I don’t identify as gay male. And I don’t want others to think of me like that either.

So however you feel about it just know that I’m trying to be in my mind and in my life inclusive as I can be and so for me the term is ours and I’m going to use it within that context. But only in those settings where I’m comfortable. And of course I’ll be mindful of those around me. Stay cool.

POEM: A drink of sand dries the heart

I drank the sand to quench my thirst, it tasted like hope under my tongue

I heard a scratching behind my ear whispering to drink some more

The Sun burned bright and yet it felt so cold beneath my feet

I wondered how I got here I wondered where I should go

I checked my watch and saw that it was time for me to eat

I picked up a rock I took a lick and thought this’ll do

I imagined that it was a fresh tomato picked from the garden this

very morning

I took another sip of sand and let the wind blow across my face

There was no cloud in the sky to save me with its soothing shade

I even cursed the rain that never came to heal me from my pain

My heart beat ever slower as I pondered how this all came to be

I felt so hopeless and alone as I recalled the words she spoke to me that Dreadful morning

The scratching behind my ear told me the time was near so I closed my eyes

All I heard was Wailing of those I loved most as they closed the lid

I took another sip of sand before I fell asleep

POEM: A mothers love letter to her future child

I haven’t met you yet but my love for you is true.

I know I will make it right in everything I do.

I’ll take you to the park and push you on the swing.

And share a lullaby with you everyday I will sing.

I’ll be at the field to watch every sport you play.

Kiss you on the forehead say I love you everyday.

I’ll hold you when you’re sick and care for you when you cry

And when your heart is broken I’ll be there to wipe the tears from your eye

I’ll give you hugs and kisses everyday as I watch you grow.

I’ll even take you to the mountain to play in the winter snow.

I’ll cheer when you succeed and I’ll cry whenever you bleed

But I’ll be there everyday to meet your every need.

I’ll cherish every grade you get on the work you do at school.

I’ll even teach you how to swim when we go to the pool.

We’ll go fishing on the weekend and church every Sunday.

We’ll go camping in the summer and make everyday a fun day.

I’ll teach you how to tie your shoes how to jump rope at the park.

I’ll even get you your own night light if you’re scared of the dark.

I will never leave you I’ll be there every day that you need me.

I’ll forget about the sorrow from which you came and freed me.

I haven’t met you yet but I love you just the same.

My tears do drip down my cheek like a summer rain.

As I wait for you to come give meaning to my world.

I long for all the smiles that we’ll share as we grow old.

I haven’t met you yet so I wait for you to find me.

I’ll give you all my love I’m put my empty life behind me.

So I write this letter here one person to another.

Sealed with love my future kid from your future mother.

Your nerd starter pack also known as how to be a nerd in 2021

If it hasn’t become abundantly clear that nerds rule the world then you’re probably living under a rock somewhere on a deserted island with no Wi-Fi. And if you’re not stuck in the middle of a 1990s Tom Hanks flick then you’re probably a geek like the rest of us. But you’re probably overwhelmed by all of the nerdery going on i the world. This is my starter guide on how to be a nerd in 2021. Think of it as a few things that you might want to pick up to get started building your nerd cred.

1. You’re going to need a Nintendo.

You could cheap out and get a NES classic edition but if you want to be a true nerd you’re going to have to buy an original Nintendo Entertainment System that was actually made in the late 80s early 90s. You don’t need all the video games but you should pick up the following if you really want to establish good nerd cred: Super Mario Brothers 3, contra, DuckTales, Ninja Gaiden, Battletoads, punch out, Castlevania, Mega Man 2 and you need at least three ljn games picked at random most likely.

Bonus nerd points if you buy any Final Fantasy or Dragon Warrior games.

2. You totally need a VCR.

Even if you’re not willing to actually invest in the hardware you need a VHS collection. And it absolutely must include all of the following or it does not count: Rocky, Top Gun, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club, Friday the 13th Part 3, Gremlins, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future Part 2, The Muppets Take Manhattan, Labyrinth, The NeverEnding Story, The Matrix, the original unaltered Star Wars trilogy, Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan, Star Trek 4 just the one with the whales, A Nightmare on Elm Street part 4 the dream master, twister, tremors, Independence Day id4, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones take your pic, Die Hard, Terminator 2, and of course Titanic.

Bonus nerd points if you get Hacker’s, war games and Weird Science.

3. A handful of retro action figures.

You probably need two or three classic GI Joe A Real American hero toys, an assortment of I’ll say 5 to 7 vintage TMNT toys, a handful of Masters of the Universe toys, at least three G1 Transformers one of them has to be either Bumblebee, Soundwave or the original Optimus Prime. You also should pick up a Rubik’s Cube, an electronic Simon, a light bright, and probably a Care Bear and maybe a couple of Lego sets vintage Lego sets.

Bonus nerd points if you get any Gobots or M.A.S.K sets.

4. You’re going to need t-shirts and baseball caps.

You’re going to need no less than 20 t-shirts all of them have to have pictures or logos or slogans something that shows the world you’re a nerd and you have to wear them with pride. Ball caps can also be a mixed assortment but you should have some that are actual sports teams and some that are just logos or company slogans that you like. The acceptable sports teams that will get you pegged as a nerd and not as an actual sports fan are the Kansas City Chiefs, Duke, Notre Dame, the Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, LA Lakers, or the Raiders. Any other sports teams and you’re going to get flagged as a sports fan which is dangerously close to a jock. Now it’s okay to sport colors and ball caps of your favorite team during days that they have a game going on you can show your team spirit if you will for the rest of the time it needs to be from the above list.

Bonus nerd points if your t-shirts and ball caps are obscure anime or 80s WWF wrestlers.

5. You’re going to need a Walkman.

This is what I’m going to say you can get the tape player or you can get the disc player but it has to be one of those two if you get the tape player you have to buy a load of cassettes no less than 30 if you get a disc player you can get by with 10 to 15 CDs especially if they are cdrs that you burned yourself.

Bonus nerd points if you get a record player and an assortment of vinyl records.

6. Comic books and comic book trading cards.

It goes without saying you’re going to need comic books if you want to be branded a nerd. But it can’t just be Marvel Avengers and DC Justice League you got to have some true nerd comics. This requires you to dig a Little Deeper you want stuff like spawn, Wildcats, TMNT, Vampirella, Hellboy, Star Trek, Scooby-Doo, and yes you’re going to need an assortment of Archie Comics if you want true nerd cred. That’s of course on top of the Marvel and DC fair that you’re expected to read.

Bonus nerd points if you have any Harvey Comics or Disney Donald Duck comics.

7. You need a Game Boy no for real.

You absolutely do not have the right to call yourself a nerd if you don’t own an actual Nintendo Game Boy. Lucky for you it doesn’t have to be an original Gameboy but it does have to be one made by Nintendo so it can be a Game Boy Advance, it can be a Game Boy Color or Gameboy light are you going to Game Boy Pocket it’s your choice but it has to be one that was made by Nintendo and it has to play Real Game Boy cartridges and no getting a super Game Boy or Game Boy Player for one of your game consoles doesn’t count. Neither does downloading ROMs on a retropie or even a 3DS. Although you can certainly do those things to you lose nerd points if you don’t have authentic retro Hardware.

Bonus nerd points if you get a Sega Game Gear.

8. You better have no less than four computers.

You need to have your desktop computer which needs to be your main gaming rig, you need a fairly decent tablet computer this can be iPad or Android it’s your choice. You also need a laptop obviously and then you should have for True nerd credibility a vintage PC of sorts this is where you get a lot of leeway because it can be a Commodore 64, an Amiga, Apple II, IBM clone running Doss or early versions of windows or hell you can even get really obscure and get one of those Tandy or even an Atari computer if you really want to they should have at least something that was made prior to 1993.

Bonus nerd points if you get your vintage computer connected to the internet.

9. TV shows on DVD.

I’ll make it easy I’ll just list them you need all of the following: Rugrats, The Simpsons, Boy Meets World, Dragon Ball Z, That 70s Show, community, The Big Bang Theory, Frasier, Seinfeld, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Star Trek the Next Generation, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Psych, Eureka, Golden Girls, Punky Brewster, Saved by the Bell, Full House, Futurama, Family Guy, X-Files, The Powerpuff Girls, Scooby-Doo, WCW Monday Nitro and WWF Raw.

Bonus nerd points if you have DVD sets of YouTube shows for example Angry Video Game Nerd or Pat the NES Punk.

10. Miscellaneous junk.

The more of the following you have the more nerd points you get : board games, miniatures, model trains, Star Wars memorabilia, lunch boxes, Lego sets, puzzles, coloring books, paperback novels, magazines, old Sears and Toys R Us, Funko Pops, collectible action figures, trading cards, Smurf figurines, laserdiscs and vinyl records.

Bonus nerd points if you have an HD DVD player, betamax VCR, 8-track cassette player, Microsoft Zune, a film projector with actual film to project, pogs, and of course model kits.

6 months on hrt holy shit do I feel…ALIVE~

So today I’m going to get real bare with me.

So I noticed that I don’t write about Toys comic books  or even video games as much as I used to.

I’ve been on hormones for 6 months. I’ve been through a lot of changes most of the changes are physiological some of them are psychological but they’ve all been life-changing.

I’m going to talk about the psychological changes first. So some of the changes that I’ve experienced of course the most obvious one is the mood swings. My doctor said that it would be like going through a second puberty and I’ve talked to female cisgendered female friends of mine who went through the puberty when they were teenagers and they described it as hell they’re not wrong. But I’m actually having fun exploring all these new feelings even when I wake up feeling like garbage at least I know.

I’ve discovered a new type of crying it’s not a happy tear which I have experienced before and it’s not a sad tear which of course I’ve experienced before the newest tear that I find myself dripping from my eyes is what I can’t quite explain it’s like a tear of relief I think? It’s been a rare one but it does it feel good when it comes on.

Some of the psychological changes are tied to physical changes. For example my breasts are perkier than they’ve ever been my nipple areas are larger and rounder then they were before. Now I’m still overweight considerably so I have residual quote-unquote man boobs leftover but the girls are starting to come alive and that gives me confidence and my parents it also gives me other changes in my mood I’ve noticed myself being self-conscious that they’re like hanging out there and I’m not sure if I’m ready for people to notice but I’m also kind of like well I’m glad I’m at the point where I can’t hide them anymore. Not that I want to hide them 😉.

I’ve also noticed changes to my skin face and hair. Those have been manifesting themselves in the form of a happier me. Actually I’ve noticed that is my hair softens and also my skin I feel different like everything I touch feels different. I kind of understand my sister’s reactions to things that I used to question things that I don’t know behaviors I observe that made no sense to me.

I’ll give an example. I used to only wash my hands when you know after using the bathroom or whatever and I wash my face usually you know whenever I was taking a shower but not much more than that. And now I find myself well compelled I’ll say to take better care of my skin so I am using skincare products on my face and hands in particular. And it’s a experience I’m enjoying.

I’ll give another example when it comes to touch especially. I bought a Care Bear and it’s so soft it’s super soft I find myself wanting to cuddle with or Pet that Care Bear as much if not more than my own living breathing. I find myself really drawn to the softness of its touch now I’ve had Care Bears before I’ve had teddy bears before and it was more like yeah that felt soft whatever but now it’s like I can feel it differently.

It’s also noticeable when I’m playing with my Transformers and yes I play with the toys that I collect I’m not ashamed of that I open them up play with them as they were intended to be and I have fun. Well I have noticed that I find myself I don’t want to say this in a sexual manner but I’ll say stroking or even I guess rubbing my hands on my toys and ways I’ve never done before.

Overall  I can say that I’m having a great time exploring my New Sensations as my body changes. And I have so much more to learn and so much more to share.

Now I won’t get into the specifics regarding the changes involved in the private areas but I will say I’m satisfied with the results thus far.

As I get to know Stephanie and get to know what it means to be her and share her with the world finding myself in a much better mood all the way around more often than I used to. That’s not to say I don’t still have the same demons I’ve always had the same hopes and fears I’ve always had in the same troubles I’ve always had but at least now I can feel things differently I can see things differently and I can enjoy things differently than.

Another will say I don’t want to use the word side effects but another manifestation of my changing self is my interests are changing. The TV shows I want to watch, the movies that I want to experience, the toys that I want to buy or the activities I want to try the hobbies that I want to try are changing. I’m even finding myself listening to different types of music that I used to.

I’ll give some examples. I’ve always been more drawn to horror movies and Sci-Fi movies doesn’t matter if it’s comedy or action or whatever if it’s in those two categories I’m in. I’ve always enjoyed a good comedy and I hate to fall into the stereotype but I’m also exploring more musicals and chick flicks if you will romantic comedies in particular although I’ve always enjoyed romantic comedies to a lesser extent I am finding myself enjoying them more and in a different way to. And my aversion to the Twilight Saga let’s just say it’s morphed into more of a overwhelming curiosity so I may end up watching those movies in the near future we’ll see.

I’m also starting to notice that the YouTube videos I watch is changing. Obviously I am watching videos by other trans women who share their experiences I’ve been watching a lot of voice feminization videos tips on how to dress like a trans woman and other vlog type videos where trans women share their experiences so I kind of can know what to expect.

All I’m going to say now is everything is changing and it’s absolutely wonderful everything is amazing and fantastic and fabulous and I’ve never felt that before in my entire life. I also understand the use of the word fabulous now it’s not just an adjective. There’s an actual emotion I think that goes with it. I can’t describe it but I think I know what it feels like.

I still enjoyed collecting action figures and reading comic books and playing video games but those interests are changing as well and I have to admit I’ve actually had more fun putting on a dress turning up the Spotify playlist and doing the dishes then I find myself enjoying other activities I used to find enjoyable. And I absolutely love cooking more than ever. Stay cool.

New Year, new me~ going to first ever Drag show this week!

This here has seen a lot of firsts for me as I began  my public journey to becoming the woman I was always destined to become.

I am not going to recount all the milestones I have achieved this year instead I will focus on the next one that is fast approaching. This Friday I plan on attending my first ever drag show. This is kind of a big deal for me.

I remember the first time I noticed a man on TV dressed like a woman was while my parents were introducing me to the TV sitcom MASH. I never liked the show all that much to be honest but I found it intriguing.

Of course over the years I have learned to explore my feminine side and now that I am finally at a point where I can do that publicly I am very excited to attend a drag show.

Recently I reconnected with some old friends of mine informing them of my transition. One of them told me about a show on HBO that featured a drag show in my very hometown and her cousin was featured as one of the subjects of the show. It was pretty neat.

Now I have encountered some transwomen online who have an aversion to drag. Myself I find it something I am drawn to. Not that I would ever become a drag queen or do drag shows but I would like to become more involved in the scene in any way possible.

Much like going to my first Pride event woke things up in me I had suppressed far too long, I fully anticipate I will have a life-changing experience at this show. For now I am going to focus on the positive which is the excitement bubbling over. I will report back, with pics~, after I experience the event. For now, Stay Cool.